Edit (Nov 4th): The Royal Half pointed out to me that I did reference their article and mention them in this post yet did not link to their site. That was probably wrong of me. They do great work.
First off, I’d like to say that I hate contestant shows. I hate them. With a fiery passion that burns in the pit of my soul. The Amazing Race is no different and this leaves me conflicted. I would love to stop watching it but as I’ve (sort of) befriended Ashley and Ally (mostly Ashley and mostly because I write really nice things about her and the rest of the Ice Crew and people love to read nice things about themselves) who are representatives of the team that I love more than my own sanity, I am watching this damn show. Because of this blog, I have been afforded a few opportunities to spend time around the Ice Crew (see the Ice Crew Audition Article I wrote here) and they truly are great people. They live very complicated lives (due to working 2-4 jobs a piece it seems) and are always exhausted. You would never know it because they make it their personal passion and mission to make sure Kings fans have a good time (and because their boss probably has a torture chamber where she drags them to if they don’t smile enough.)
And… so we begin.
For some ungodly, unknown reason these two guys are considered to be in first place. Regardless of the fact that they finished much lower in episodes 1-3. Each week, the only thing that seems to matter is whether a.) you got disqualified b.) you were really annoying or c.) you did something funny or cute. Other than that, nothing matters. The Beards are in first place currently because they happened to land on some contests last week that were tailor built for them. Using a truck to move a giant rock and lugging some giant fish around. There, you’re caught up on episode 4. They managed to get to the Viking Longhouse (sigh) first, so they get the honor of getting the next clue first. Oh by the way, that rock they had to move had a picture of a building under it and a sack of coins. So far as I can tell, the sack of coins served two purposes. One is that we get to say sack. The second is the most hated team on this hated show only grabbed the sack (tee hee) and forgot the picture so they had to give up the only power they had. An Express Pass. An Express Pass at Disneyland is a thing that allows you to get on a ride quickly so that you can go wait in line for another ride. In this show, apparently, the purpose of the Express Pass is to give one really annoying team the ability to annoy you further by holding the Express Pass over everyone else’s heads while they pretend like they should team up on a do or die contest show. (I know it’s called a Fast Pass. Shush, you.)
Side note, I hate Phil. For two reasons. One, he makes tons of money to make up these stupid arbitrary contests that he then gets people to do while he gets to stand back, watch, and laugh. Secondly, he has no idea how to show any type of true emotion and he constantly has angry pastor look on his face. He’s basically the modern day equivalent to the villain of Inspector Gadget minus the cat. And we have seen his face.
See? Pure evil.
The second team arrives at the Longhouse (sigh) shortly after.
Now, Jason and Amy’s thing (every team has a thing that defines them) is that they are dating. Whoopee. Essentially, the viewer and everyone else on this show is a third wheel on this horrific date that Amy probably dragged Jason on. How can I tell? Look at their faces. She has the smile of victory on her face. He has the smile of “Is this really worth it?” forced on his face. They also receive their Express Pass and off they go. To go find a boat.
Now it’s revealed to us that the teams must utilize a boat and a plane to go to Poland. Why? Cuz Phil says so. All is for Phil’s amusement. Half of this damn show is watching people sit around airports and try and communicate in languages they don’t speak in order to secure tickets to get somewhere. So basically, we’re watching an hour long episode of “Tuesday at LAX.”
Next team arrives.
These two are “Married ER Doctors.” That’s their thing. They also now have the Express Pass because they called the most annoying person on the show out on her crap and forced her to. Go team Grey’s Anatomy Without the Sexy.
Oh, thank you dear lord Phil. We sped things up. Leo and Jamal’s thing is that they are cousins and Afghani. So they are the “Afghanimals.” They pretend to be crazy guys and party guys, but it comes off as fake and forced. Kinda like how I tried to convince people in my college dorms that I was cool and down to party but they all knew I was too busy working and studying. Tim and Marie are “Ex’s.” Yes. That’s a thing on this show. I can not wait until these two are eliminated because this show is intolerable enough as it is and Tim and Marie go out of their way to make it even more so. Marie is crazy and Tim thought he escaped her. He didn’t. Tim and Danny are “Oklahoma” friends who wound up on this show. They constantly tell us how they’ve never had to “deal with this Oklahoma” or this is “much different from home.” This is evidenced by the fact that they were overwhelmed by the beauty of Ashley and Ally and helped them figure out how to put a truck in reverse. (It’s not quite as bad as it sounds. They both tried to get a stick shift truck into reverse and failed at it so they recruited Oklahoma without having to bat their eye lashes or promise them their numbers or anything. That’s how you know they’re from Oklahoma.)
And here we have the reason I watch this horrible show. Their thing is they are “Ice Girls in the NHL.” For the first few episodes they were wearing Kings logos for every second they were on the screen. Once either Phil got tired of the free advertising or Ally and Ashley’s boss was satisfied, they reduced the amount of Kings logo air time. This is not the most flattering picture of either of these girls. While the Ice Crew is full of gorgeous girls, one of these I would consider the most beautiful of the Ice Crew (don’t ask) and I definitely place them both in the top 3 or 4. Yes, I’m being that guy. Besides that, they’re great girls who work their butts off and they’ve somehow managed to stay in the show even though they had to deal with dead fish heads and don bikini tops to go sit in a rock quarry’s salt pool and whatever other evils Phil has cooked up for them. I want them to win, but I want to stop watching this show. What do I do? Just like the Kings hockey team, these girls don’t have any quit in them and I would bet money (and I lot of it) that we are all going to have to watch this show for many more weeks. I don’t see them losing soon.
Now, on to the actual racing
Beards and Third Wheel Inducers get to the boat at the same time. (Seriously, why do they bother saying who’s in what place?) The ship’s captain informs them that it leaves later that evening. As Beards put it, “That sucks, it looks like all the other teams will catch right up to us.” (Sigh)
Oh wait, Pause!
(Go for it ladies. Just a little kiss. No one is watching… Stop typing. Seriously, stop typing this.)
The “baseball wives” arrived to the Longhouse last. Seriously, this is real life. Anyway, in every other episode so far the last time to arrive at the place with the shiny Mission Impossible floor mat is eliminated. But since these girls are cute and ridiculous and seem totally lost at all times like puppies who got out of the yard Phil decides they are still in. (Really Phil? Really. Why is this a show??) Oh and by the way, they are referred to as the “bunnies.” This is a name they embrace and call each other. It’s just so sad that you want them to win. Oh, wait. You don’t. Because their husbands are professional baseball players and must be rich because they landed these women.
Now commences the boat ride. Everyone is in close quarters. The “Exes” give the Express Pass to the doctors on the down low.
I get it now. The giant backpacks are full of beauty products and tank tops. This is the girls running from the boat to the Taxis… at the same time as all the other contestants. Everyone (who by the way are tied with each other) then tell us how nervous and stressed out they are.
The “Afghanimals” and the Tank Tops arrive at the wrong shipyard. These two teams have been tied together since the beginning (even though both Ally and Ashley are not available) and have worked together. The Afghanimals call them their “race wives” and the girls play along with it. Probably so the trip is less boring and in order to ensure they are never in last place because these guys are always behind them in order to
watch them walk away keep them safe and protect them.
Oklahoma gets to the next clue first. Simply because their cab driver didn’t suck. If things in my life depended on whether or not my cab driver failed me, I’d just move to Vegas. Those guys are awesome.
Next team to arrive are Third Wheel, followed by The Doctors. (Side note, Darth Phil chose locations no one knows how to pronounce and didn’t bother to tell them.) After we see team Third Wheel insult their driver by clapping for him and saying “Good driving!” team “Phil’s Charity Cases” arrive in 4th place. The Exes, Afghanimals, and Tank Tops all arrive at the wrong place together. Exes try to be funny and fail.
Phil now informs us what the next “Detour” is once Oklahoma arrives. Teams have to choose “Pose or Polka.” Because Phil is an evil monster escaped from the pits of hell, teams will either be required to pose as street beggars pretending to be artists (AKA hold the pose of the bronze statue of Neptune nearby until enough people give them enough money to move on) or get into ridiculous costumes and dance a horrific dance that has about as much appeal to me as going to a Sabers and Panthers game.
Oklahoma decides to polka and they then realize one of these manly men from Oklahoma has to dress up in a female’s costume. Better throw on some Hunter Hayes to get these boys in the mood.
Beards taxi driver calls the driver of Third Wheel and he (for some ungodly reason) lies to Beards and tells them he can’t help them. Meanwhile Third Wheel continue applauding his efforts. This is what’s referred to as a “bloodbath” in the show. If this is what passes for cut throat and “bloodbath” then the CIA are doing it wrong.
Third Wheel arrives at the Golden Gate shortly before The Doctors but their taxi driver didn’t fail quite as hard and they got to the clue box first. (Who’s job is it to tell random passersby to leave these boxes alone?) The Bunnies get to the clue box at the same time as Third Wheel. The Bunnies don’t learn from their mistakes and choose the (probably) harder of the two tasks. They read “pose” until they earn 75 (no one knows how to pronounce this monetary unit) and think it’ll be easy. Probably because any time they’ve posed in their lives they got whatever they wanted.
Oklahoma arrives and attempts to dance. This is rather painful to watch. The Bunnies arrive at the homeless station and the Doctors and Third Wheel arrive at the Polka Barn.
The Bunnies arms start to get tired from holding the trident and their hopes of begging for zloty start to falter. Meanwhile the Afghanimals get their failure of a taxi driver straightened out (seriously, what taxi driver doesn’t know about the major monuments in their area? Oh wait, Phil is evil so he probably chose minor monuments) and the Exes and Tank Tops follow them.
Beards go double bearded and pose as Neptune. Shortly after, the Bunnies collected enough money and discover they have to keep wearing the costumes while getting to their next destination.
Meanwhile, Third Wheel destroy Oklahoma at polka. The dude half of third wheel has a very think Bahstan accent so we have to hate him. Bruins and all that. But they manage to succeed because (surprise) the girl knows how to dance. The Doctors fail at dancing. Tank Tops and their pretend hubbies the Afghanimals head to Polka while the exes head off to pose (Great. They have to stand still while the ever annoying one complains.)
Third Wheel arrive at the U Turn location. Since Phil trained with the CIA as to how to make people hate their lives this is yet another way to make this show horrific. The team that arrives gets to pick another team that is then forced to perform both of the detour duties. Third Wheel (who try really hard to make us love them) decide not to U Turn anyone.
Beards give up on posing because they lack the secret ingredient. Boobs. The Doctors finish the dance. Oklahoma finish the dance. The Afghanimals arrive at the polka place. The Exes use their express pass so they can go U Turn another team. They discuss U Turn’ing Travis and Nicole but decide against it. (Why in the hell do these teams NOT want to win a million dollars? This show sucks.) Ashley and Ally arrive at the polka location at the same time as Beards and shortly after the Afghanimals. Oklahoma decide to U Turn the Afghanimals. The Doctors arrive and decide not to U Turn anyone. (The nice country boys turn out to be the only ones willing to do what it takes to win this? Sigh.)
We now discover that teams have to search the biggest apartment building in Poland (a half mile long with over 6,000 occupants. Seriously?) for different addresses and then eat their food. If they have bad manners, they get penalized. Exes and Third Wheel do it together which is fortunate for Exes since the gal is evil and would definitely be penalized for bad manners on her own.
Ashley and Ally complete the polka competition which frustrates the Afghanimals and Beards.
Inspired by the flawless performance of our lovely gals, the Afghanimals nail it. The Beards practice dancing while the Bunny starts hunting down donuts with the Doctor.
Doctor decides to force the elevator to stop on every floor in order to slow down the Bunny. She complains that he’s supposed to be a gentleman. Oh man, this show is so cut throat. I can’t bear it.
The Afghanimals discover they were U Turned and are forced to U Turn the Beards so they don’t wind up in last place.
The eating of treats continues as each time tries to find the required flavors. Then, we find out how the Bunnies usually get ahead in life.
The Doctors, Third Wheel, and the Exes are now collaborating on finding the proper desserts. That sounds about right. At this point, they discover they must go find Phil on the longest wooden pier in all of Europe. The last team to arrive here “may” be eliminated. Translation: If they aren’t hot chicks that draw viewers they will be eliminated. Or if they don’t please Darth Phil. Oklahoma finishes the desserts leg at the same time as the Bunny and we cut back to the Afghanimals who are very successful at posing as Neptune for zlota. Mostly because they are pretending to be fun party guys and the crowd buys it.
The Dcotors, Exes, and Third Wheel all engage in a foot race to Phil. The Exes get their first (god they’re so intolerable, why must they continue winning?)
Now, it’s time for Ashley and Ally to handle the eating of desserts trial. If only they had chosen Zebra Popcornopolis, Ashley would have smelled which apartment it was in from the ground and instinctively hunted it down like one of Oklahoma’s hunting dogs. Instead, it was jelly filled donuts. That’s probably half her weekly calorie intake, so she’s excited.
She literally complains that she’s going to have to eat a lot of donuts. And she talks with her mouth full, so she should have lost the bad manners part of it. Oh, Los Angeles. (Love you Ashley!)
The Bunnies arrive fourth. Not that we give a rat’s ass because all that matters is Darth Phil isn’t displeased and that they aren’t last. Ashley and one of the Afghanimals discover the correct donut and go on a hugging and kissing spree (not with each other but rather with the elderly Polish lady who is probably still spitting up bits of Afghanimal beard as we speak.) Also, Ashley doesn’t fail at high fiving her which indicates to me, as the Royal Half theorized, that it is indeed because the Afghanimals are creepy. They dash off to the pier just as the Beards arrive to go on their donut spree.
The Afghanimals arrive at the end of the pier before Ally and Ashley. They wind up 7th (which doesn’t matter, they weren’t eliminated) and dance and cheer about it. The Beards arrive last on the pier. Because they a.) displeased Darth Phil or b.) aren’t hot babes they are kicked off the show. One of the only saving graces of this evil show is now gone.
So, there you have it. Ashley and Ally weren’t last and some ridiculousness happened. Now, you don’t have to watch it. I did it for you.