Welcome to another not so exciting installment of… The Amazing Race! I again watch this show and give you a rundown so that you don’t have to. I type out this recap as I watch it so as to give you the best possible walk through with the least amount of hindsight.
Quick recap from last week: Ashley complains about eating donuts in a gorgeous country and the beards get eliminated. You don’t need to know much else. There are 7 teams left.
Your Remaining Teams:
Last to depart… Team LA Kings. The tank top is still here! I refused to use the timeline image, our girls can’t have “Last to Depart” etched into internet memory. Cuz last seeded teams never win. Oh, wait.
The first challenge: Take the train to Vienna, Austria. Will they all arrive at the station only to find out they depart on the SAME TRAIN??? Oh god, the anticipation is killing me. 640 miles on a train, what could be more fun?
Our brave heroes depart. By the way, Jason and Amy have a new name as assigned by Marie… they are now Jamy. Gross. Guess what Amy’s excited about? Austria is where the Sound of Music was located. Sigh. Based on the image above, Jason agrees with me.
Everyone “races” to the train station to get their train tickets. Everyone except for the IceGhanimals manage to get on the first train to Warsaw. Oh, the IceGhanimals get on a train that will get to Warsaw in time to get on the same connecting train as everyone else. What a neck and neck race this is.
Everyone accuses the Afghanimals of U-Turn’ing the Beards. They deny it thinking it gives them some kind of edge yet everyone knows they are lying. Oh, the drama. Oh, the tension. They all then arrive at the next destination at the same time. This is the theme of the show, methinks. Anyway, this weirdo leads them to the next area.
Everyone exclaims about how beautiful the theater is. Except for Oklahoma who make sure to remind us that they are, indeed, from Oklahoma. “It was amazing, I never been in a theater like that. The only theater I been in had like, a movie screen you know?”
We finally get to the part of the show that gets somewhat interesting. The teams all arrive at their first detour and they can choose between Light Brigade or Masquerade. Darth Phil has truly come up with something evil this time around.
If you are so unfortunate as to choose this option, you must assemble an elaborate chandelier. Darth Phil is an evil matched only by Justin Bieber touching the Stanley Cup so we know there will be some horrid punishment if you fail at it… and there is. If you don’t get it perfect in one try, someone destroys it by dropping it on the ground.
For this option, you must take part in a Viennese ball. Each dancer has a very intricate mask and these intricate masks have very tiny differences that separate them. Once you don your mask you must discover which dancing couple has the same set of masks you do. Because this show likes embarrassing people with dancing, I’m going to assume most of the teams dance.
Now, there is also an option for a “Fast Forward.” Since I have never watched this soul sucking episodic nightmare, I have no clue what a Fast Forward is. I can guess, but I Googled it instead. This concept is more complicated than it sounds. Only one team can complete the “Fast Forward” task and get credit for it. It allows you to go straight to the Pit Stop (in theory since there were about a dozen examples of Phil deciding this wasn’t the case and eliminating teams anyway) if you are the first team to complete it. Only one team can complete it (unless it’s an Intersection task which is a whole other story) and each team can only do it once per Amazing Race season. You aren’t guaranteed first place or escape from elimination if you partake in the Fast Forward task.
Not one team chose Light Brigade which pleases Phil as he watches his puppets dance. The Doctors and Jamy (gross) head to the Fast Forward task. Since Jamy left first, the Doctors decide to go to the Masquerade instead and have their cabbie turn around.
The other teams head to the Masquerade location and a member of Oklahoma manages to twist his ankle while walking. I simply think Phil is sabotaging the race and my prediction holds true. The Afghanimals and Phil’s Favorites/The Bunnies arrive first and quickly discover *gasp* this will be more difficult than it appears! The tiny details mentioned previously truly are tiny and for some reason no one thought to take a picture of their masks on their smart phones so they could hold it out and compare as they walked around the ballroom.
Jamy arrive at the Fast Forward task and discover it is too windy to go bungee jumping. At this point, I am a little less disgusted by team “Dating.” They start arguing (finally!) about whether they should stay or go. As all fights seem to end, the J in Jamy decides it’s not worth winning the argument and tells Amy he will wait with her in the hopes the wind will die down even though he “thinks it’s dumb.” Well done, sir. In the “Pick Your Battles” theory, I don’t believe it had “when a million dollars is on the line, go ahead and let her win that battle” in the handbook.
Marie and some guy figure out their mask partners first (after she yells at him again) and the clue reads “Make your way to Wiener Sangerknaben” and search for the next clue. I think this location was chosen simply for Phil’s amusement as he listens to everyone attempt to pronounce it. Phil’s favorites figure it out next, followed by the Afghanimals.
Yes! Our lovely ladies figure out who is wearing their masks and are very excited! This gif is full of win.
Jamy decide to head to the opera house after Jason decides to grow a pair and talk Amy out of waiting on the wind to die down. She is unhappy about this, but with a million dollars on the line you probably shouldn’t sit around waiting for mother nature to do you a favor. Oklahoma then figures out their mask challenge while the Doctors are still searching the room. Meanwhile, the cab drivers outside the opera house refuse to pick up Marie and some guy while everyone else finds a ride. Karma wins!
The IceGhanimals arrive at the Roadblock… which requires singing. There’s a choir full of prepubescent boys who spend way too much time singing for their own health and the “racers” must learn the German words and perform the song to the choir master’s satisfaction. They are being judged on their pronunciation and “musicality.” Ally decides to take on this challenge which turns out to be a mistake (or is it? How well would Ashley handle speaking German?) that makes me giggle. It turns out the member of Phil’s Favorites who takes on the challenge grew up listening to her dad speak German so she has a bit of an edge.
While a member of each team goes off to learn how to sing, the other sits and waits. Once again, all the teams are together. Sigh.
This kid knows what’s up. What a pimp. Too bad it’s wasted in the boy’s choir!
The first two teams attempt to sing. First, Dude Doctor goes up and the choir boys laugh at him. He discovers his voice doesn’t go high enough. Then, the Afghanimal sings, and this is the response he receives.
Next up is Ally! Surely, our beloved Ice Girl is up to the task of singing at a satisfactory level!
Next, we cut to watching Oklahoma attempt to sing the song. His instructor tells him to calm down. Then he tells him to sing like Justin Timberlake. Next, he wants him to sing like an opera singer. Oh boy, this is riveting stuff.
Male Doctor tries again and ingeniously lowers his voice an octave so he can then raise his voice up and hit the higher note. Yawn. Phil’s favorite then passes the singing test. The bunnies dash outside to find a cab and some shenanigans ensue!
The taxi driver got tired of waiting around and threw Jamy’s bags out onto the grass. Because the bunnies are honest ladies who don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side, they go off and find their own cab. It’s not like a million dollars is at stake or anything…
Cut back to None of These People Have Talent and Oklahoma is trying again. As you might imagine, he fails again. The Afghanimal is up next and he finishes his number with some panache. To prove he’s a wild and crazy guy, he picks up the choir master and spins him around. The guy attached to Marie also passes. They hit the stairs and Marie excitedly proclaims, “Let’s go steal somebody’s cab!” They go out and steal Jamy’s cab and plot to accuse the Afghanimals. Remember the earlier U-Turn accusation that has tarnished their reputation? This might just be believable! Oh, the intrigue.
Amy passes the singing test on her first attempt, and we brace ourselves for the inevitable blow up. They discover the betrayal and jog out to the road (which is about two blocks away it seems) to acquire another cab. Amy turns and says, “Providence Amy is going to come out if we find out another team took our taxi. I’m going to flip out.” Oh no. Not Providence Amy. Mothers, hide your children. *eye roll*
The Doctors and Phil’s Favorites arrive at the next challenge… a maze.
Phil’s Favorites find the clue first and they discover that they must make their way to the Gloriette. The last team to reach this pit stop “may” be eliminated. Apparently, these ladies have practiced their maze solving skills. Perhaps they were rats in a former life? That’s why they came back as gorgeous women of the upper class? We will never know.
The Doctors make it to the pit stop first and receive the week’s prize. What will it be, what will it be??? Five nights with a weird gnome at some fancy resort.
Phil reveals that the Doctors team nickname is actually… Power Parents. Yeah, not going with that. Phil’s Favorites arrive in second place as they beat out the Afghanimals by mere foosteps. We cut back to Tank Top and Oklahoma… no progress. Marie and the guy attached to her arrive at the maze and some children, not sensing the evil, help direct them to the end of the maze.
Jamy arrive at the maze and are smart enough to peek in their former taxi’s window to discover who betrayed them. They are blown away that Marie and the guy attached to her stole their cab! Oh man.
No one saw that coming. Everyone but them saw that coming. Marie and Jamy arrive at the pit stop at the same time and we all brace ourselves as we get ready to witness Providence Amy coming out. She says nothing while Jason informs us that he’s going to share with everyone how “sneaky” Marie and the guy attached to her are.
And here it comes. Providence Amy is coming out to confront Marie and the guy attached to her.
Cut back to the singing groups (since those are the only remaining teams) and we get to see Tank Top and Oklahoma struggling to finish this challenge. Ally gets it on her fourth try and the girls grab their clue and continue on. Oklahoma gets it on the fifth try and they race off. Just as the girls ask a taxi driver, “Hi, can we take you?” Oklahoma flags down a taxi. Side note, if two girls that look like Ashley and Ally ever ask the question, “Can we take you?” the only correct answer is, “Anywhere.” The girls get through the maze and start hiking towards the pit stop. Ashley complains about Darth Phil always choosing hills. As they run out of steam, Ashley chants, “Game 7, Stanley Cup Finals” to give themselves some much needed energy. They get to Phil before Oklahoma and cheer a bit.
Oklahoma arrive last. They talk about how they’ve never left the country before, they think they did pretty well for being noobies to travel, etc. Blah blah, you weren’t exciting enough for Phil to want to keep you on the show. Good luck!
At this time, I’d like to thank Ashley for the many great GIF worthy moments.
If you made it this far, stay tuned. Expect to hear about the girls and this show for quite a bit longer.
Edit (11/4/13): While I did mention the Royal Half in my last recap article, I did fail to link to their article. That was probably a mistake on my part as I did thoroughly enjoy their recaps as well. TRH has been so kind as to point out my lapse in netiquette.
I don’t feel the need to defend myself but they are correct in that I should have provided a link to their site. I did not write a recap for the first four weeks solely because someone else did, then decided that was a poor reason to avoid writing an article. They (and by they I mean Jesse Cohen of @KingsMenPodcast) did beat me to writing a recap for the show and he wrote a great, thoroughly enjoyable piece. I apologize for not having linked to that article originally.