Obligatory “The Royal Half did it first.” I haven’t read it because I anxiously avoided all spoilers before viewing the episode myself.
Episode 7, here we go! (Not Star Wars, that’s not coming until December 2015. I’m way more excited for that.)
Remember where we left off last week?
Presumably, this guy and Amy are still really mad.
My prediction for this week: Seeing as the less attractive and more testosterone laden groups have already been kicked, I would say the Afghanimals are going to be gone next. Marie will piss everyone off and Amy will whine. Ashley and Ally will stay in the race by the skin of their teeth. At this point we are down to Marie and the guy she’s dragging along, the Bunnies, the Doctors, the Ice Gals, Providence Amy and unfortunate Jason and the Afghanimals.
Marie and the guy she’s dragging around: 12:23pm
Ashley and Ally: 1:00pm
I have a slight issue here. How are these times decided? Why is there an 8 minute difference between team 1 and 2, a one minute difference between 2 and 3, a thirteen minute difference between 3 and 4, a fifteen minute difference between 4 and 5, and then a THIRTY TWO minute difference between five and six? It probably won’t matter, but it’s the principle of the thing.
We left the teams in Vienna, Austria. The first team (the Doctors) leaves for Abu Dhabi. As they hop in a taxi they give us a speech about how badly they want to win this for their kids. Not for the money but rather because they want their kids to see how hard they’ve worked for the outcome they desire. (Can they just adopt me already?) The Bunnies leave shortly after and smile at their taxi driver. The Afghanimals leave next and they are stoked to find out they are “going home to the motherland.”
These guys are really excited to head somewhere they “might” get an advantage?
Leo and Jamal get to the airport and tell us that their Arabic will help them succeed and they immediately head to a computer to grab the earliest flight possible. They will arrive at 5:50am.
This Hilton with complimentary badass computers beats the hell out of any Hilton I’ve stayed at. Which is many.
Marie and the guy she’s dragging along leave next. They babble something about looking out for themselves. This doesn’t bother me as I’m glad at least ONE OF THESE DAMN TEAMS PLAYS TO WIN. Next up are Jamy:
Why do we see this shot every episode? Cuz this is how Phil decides who stays and who goes.
Jamy hops in a cab and talks about how they’re going to keep their friends close and enemies closer… NO ONE ON THIS RACE IS YOUR FRIEND.
Ally and Ashley are going to Dubai rather than Abu Dhabi. Oh jeez. Please don’t get tickets to Dubai.
Ally and Ashley are the first team to mention: This is going to be a different trip for the ladies. It’s a country that speaks Arabic AND it is a male dominated area. Lucky for them, they’ve been cozying up to the Afghanimals the whole time. Gasp, did they KNOW? Ladies? ’Fess up!
Projected arrival times in Abu Dhabi:
Underdogs/Ally and Ashley: 6:00AM
Marie and the guy she’s dragging along: 6:00AM
The only thing of note at the airport (other than the fact that placing didn’t matter AGAIN) would be that Marie talked crap about the Bunnies and Kim made sure that her high standards were met and no stereotypes were disproved when she asked, “Is it a nice plane? Do we get delicious snacks? Can we put vegetarian in?”
You know guys? I’m starting to like you more and more. Cuz wife beaters. And that face.
Tim then hits us with some dude wisdom. When he runs into Jason, they have a quick awkward moment and he tells Marie, “We’re just dudes being dudes. Dudes only fight for, like, ten minutes.” So true. My dude friends are horrible people and after ten minutes I forgive their horribleness. Every time. Tim also tells us Marie is a dude, which tells us a lot.
Everyone hops on the plane together. Yay.
The teams then get on taxis and head to:
Yep. Hopefully, Ally and Ashley can stay “One Jump Ahead”…
The Afghanimals arrive first and they pray (presumably to Allah rather than Dionysus) in Farsi that they will “win first in this leg of the race and look out for us.” Glad to know that’s what prayers are used for! Ally and Ashley arrived just in time to high five the Afghanimals on their way in. The ladies all had to wear proper attire to entire into the mosque…
That’s right, ladies. Embrace the Dark Side of the Force.
The other teams enter and nothing of note happens besides the Bunnies
getting all self righteous making a political statement I completely agree with and stating “Kim and I are very open to all types of people. Muslim people get a bad rep.” Tim also likes the idea of Marie having to be quiet and slow and not wearing shows. So… he wants her to be pregnant and gagged? I’m starting to side with Marie more and more.
The Detour for this week is:
Dig through some dates to find perfect ones and design a date plate
Assemble a fishing net
Dude. Pause. Some of these detours have been boring but at least each time there was a less boring option. Seriously? Dig through some dates or assemble a fishing net? Can I just hit fast forward? Also… Side note. Again. WHY DOES NO ONE TAKE A PICTURE OF THE THING THEY HAVE TO COPY WITH THEIR CAMERA PHONE TO SAVE TIME?
Afghanimals: Sort it Out
Bunnies: Sort it out
Jamy: Sew it up
Marie and Tim: Sort it out
Ice girls: Sort it out
Doctors: Sew it up
It’s really hot. And Tim decides to watch Marie prepare food while he admires the skyline. Good man. The Bunnies decree that Tim and Marie are embarrassing all of America. Oh, the irony. I can’t decide if they are right or not. People can’t find dates (sounds my college life) and the Doctors argue (Finally! They aren’t perfect!) The fish net weavers finish before the date people. The Bunnies then say what has been burning in my mind this entire season… “Wish we had a camera phone.” Thank god. They don’t have them. Ally attempts to be punny and says, “This has been a magnificent date but we have to move on. Speed dating is the worst!” Nicky and Kim here something that every man in their lives has probably told them:
Kim gives the appropriate response.
The next step is to head to a marina and take a luxury yacht to their next destination. They do so, and all I can think is:
At this point, everyone is within 5-20 minutes of each other. Turns out the 10 minutes the Afghanimals picked up was useful. Ally and Ashley hop on a yacht with Tim and Marie and they pull out right when the Bunnies arrive. This means they have to wait another 15 minutes.
Upon arrival they find out they have to bungee 200 feet into the cockpit of a race car. Inside the race car, they are supposed to watch out for the signs placed around the track and find out what the record holder is for the track. AGAIN I WISH I HAD A SMART PHONE. For some reason, the clue to this roadblock is “Who wants to drop in a hot lap?” My dogs both responded, “YES!” Ally volunteers to drop into a hot lap, and Ashley responds, “Oh, of course you do.” Do I sense a hit of jealousy that Ally gets to drop into a hot lap and she doesn’t?
Once this task is done, the teams head to Phil. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated. The Afghanimals arrive first and party it up. Phil shoots something all over the Afghanimals.
Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.
Ally hops in her race car and I was not aware that human eyes could get this big.
What? I’m as terrified right now as she was in that car.
The Bunnies arrive last. Barely. Ally and Ashley manage to stay in, again, by the skin of their teeth…. WHAAATTT???
Upon realizing they are eliminated, Kim starts crying.
Phil sees this. Phil is an evil man. This show is a waste of time. He tells them this is a “non elimination leg of the race.”
Oh. Yeah. I get it now. Viewers wanted to see them kiss. They get eliminated next non elimination leg, right? They gave us what we wanted.
At this point, I turned it off. Seriously, Phil. Whey even air this episode?